What Jew Talking Bout?

Anxiety: My Middle Name

It’s probably not too much of shock to those who weren’t already keenly aware, but I tend to sway towards the personality of what could best be described as an anxious person. And by sway I mean like an “Everything Is Bigger In Texas” keepsake magnet to a stainless steel refrigerator. So, In a fit of anxiety spurred on by my writer’s block, I started compiling a list of things that make me anxious. Writer’s block vanished but I potentially need to purchase a new hard drive. Here’s what I came up with:

                                                         Things that make me anxious:

                  A non-exhaustive but most certainly exhausting list in no particular order

  • Early morning/evening joggers that run in full face ski masks. I get that it’s cold but enough of the judging faces when I jump out of my skin as you pass by. Please take a moment to consider how an unassuming pedestrian may feel when you silently creep up on us. Only difference between you and a mugger: those stupid Vibram shoes.
  • Thinking about the day when I’ll no longer be on the cellular “family plan”. Just writing that sentence made my heart rate spike.
  • Getting on a piece of exercise equipment with vague sweat splatters in strange places.
  • When my phone/ computer battery drops below 50%. I swear time speeds up from 50%-0%.
  • Walking on the bumpy raised part of the metro platform to pass people. Regardless of whether a train is coming or not, those bumps under my feet are constant reminders that just a few inches to the right and I’m going to fall and be run over by a train, which, may I add, is THE most selfish way to off one’s self, as you ruin literally thousands of other people’s commutes.
  • Movies where an animal is in peril. Even if they’re okay in the end. After the “Far From Home: Adventures of Yellow Dog” incident of ‘95 where 7 year old me experienced my first full blown panic attack, I’m fully confident in the fact that the movie “War Horse” will probably put me into cardiac arrest.
  • Dressing for events that have nondescript or oxymoronic dress codes. Religiously festive. Dress to Impressionism. White Tie Optional For Those Who Don’t Opt for Black Tie.
  • The split second after you dial a number and before a person picks up when you’re not positive if you dialed the right number. Did I hit 6 or 9?
  • Clearance bins in the supermarket. Let’s think about this one for a second. Clearance bin in The Gap? The past season’s merchandise being cleared out for new stuff. The equivalent in the supermarket? Discounted botulism.
  • Going to a show or movie where they ask for all cell phones to be turned off and you put yours on silent and nervously wait for your obnoxious ringer to go off because you know it’s going to be yours when one does.
  • Thinking about subliminal messaging. Mostly thanks to 2001’s Josie and the Pussycats movie.
  • Mistreatment of the environment and the repercussions. It was 70 degrees on New Year’s Eve.  Also, my iPhone changes pretty much any word beginning with “pr” to Prius, and while I don’t have a car, I feel like it’s a message from Steve Jobs beyond the grave reminding us to reduce our carbon footprint.

I can only assure you that this list could continue for far too long to be deemed okay for my health. I also pray that I’m not alone in some of these concerns but for those where I am, I sincerely hope my neuroses provide you entertainment, as the only thing I get out of it is an occasional case of hives. And I’m sure there will be innumerable follow up posts to this one, unfortunately  not right now. I need to go charge my laptop, it’s at 48%  and I can feel my blood pressure in my ears.