Remember me? I’m glad to see you all missed me so, though that petition was really impressive. 15,000 signatures? Quite a feat. I haven’t felt that loved since I beat Becky Schindel in the Class Treasurer election of 2004. So, I’ve made my triumphant return to the blogosphere. And how does it repay me? With a heat wave unlike any heat wave I’ve encountered before. What is that you say? That the blogosphere has nothing to do with jetstreams and static high pressure areas? That’s the actual atmosphere? Tomato tomato.*
All I know is it’s hot. Like HOT. With a humidity index that makes it feel like the entire world is collapsing on your chest. And everyone smells like the country their forefathers came from. Walking outside in public feels like my face is stuck between Drew Carey’s asscheeks- pre-weight loss.**
And so I sit here and write this post practically naked. And I say practically because, like my good friend Tobias Funke, I’m a never-nude.
Am I not a legitimate judge of the heat? Have I been jetsetting across the country for the past week and a half? Why yes, Plebeian, I have. Regardless of me not actually being here for the heat, I certainly felt it. Much like Chuck Norris, I have the ability to feel the temperature of any geographic location, at any time.
My physical whereabouts were actually on the western coast of our fine country. I can’t tell you the specific city, due to security concerns, but I’ll tell you this: it was either Augusta, Maine or Los Angeles, CA. Still not sure? Pull out- okay, let’s be honest, google a goddamn map and go stand in a corner, you shameful creature.
I made a few observations about the City of Angels, from a purely ethnographic perspective. I jotted them down and have transcribed them for you here:
1. Lacking in angels. Not sure how that misnomer started.
2. Unable to deduce what “Los Angeles” actually means. My hunch is that it has something to do with Los Lonely Boys.
3. The gyms have valets. As in, you’ve driven all the way to jump on a conveyor belt and walk in place, but god forbid you’d have to mimic that motion as you walked from your parking spot into the building.
4. The San Fernando Valley is not the only region getting raunchy. Shrimp Pimp, Get Shaved, Great Balls on Tires, Bower’s Sausages, Antonia’s Nuts, The Greasy Weiner, DaMunch Box, Ice Ice Shavie, Fresh and Meaty, and The Little Frenchie. Titles of adult films, perhaps? Alas, no. Names of food trucks. ( And thank goodness because the next one on the list was “Green and Tasty”..ew.)
5. Is the city hemorrhaging attractive women? Possibly. But the majority that I saw were actually men dressed up as attractive women.
6. And my final observation? The real reason for the terrible traffic is male drivers slowing down to check out attractive women on the street. What they don’t realize? See observation number 5.
That’s it for now kids. Make good decisions (and keep cool!),
*It should be noted that the “tomato-tomato/potato-potato” idiom does not translate well in print.
**Congrats to Drew Carey on his weight loss, finally rendering the term “my face is stuck between Drew Carey’s asscheeks” obsolete. Or at least less effective. I mean, I still would rather not experience said situation.