What Jew Talking Bout?

Recently: My Google Search History

Photo cred: http://www.lovebutblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/google_ginger.png

I highly encourage each and every one of you to check out what you’ve searched for recently on Google as it will yield hilarity and a bit of self pondering. We’ve all had those momentary lapses in brain power where you Google the spelling of a word you know you’re not spelling right (“daiquiri” and “aneurysm” are two that come to mind most recently for me. I’m pretty sure they weren’t in the same context, though), or used Google to find out the name of the song we’ve been singing for HOURS (“duh duh duhhhhh duh duh fire something something duhhhhh dance floor lyrics”) or to recall a detail of information that you know you know, but can’t seem to recall for the life of you (“name of boy in My Side Of The Mountain by Jean Craighead George”. The answer is Sam, and 15 years later, that book is still ruining my life).

Still embarrassed? I’ll go first. I present to you, in alphabetical order, the highlights of my recent google searches.

arizona supermarket robbery (This is concerning to me, too)
aarp

bane of my existence
back of thigh muscle
balls in the air (Yup)
becomes the master

crumbs in lap (Arguably this was for a previous blog post’s image, but still)
clicking knee
cacoa goji energy chunks
charlize theron face
chuseok (I impress myself sometimes)

deer 14th street dc
danielle jonas (But then this happens and I’m no longer impressed)

grinding
gnats in kitchen

how many bottles of wine for 20 people

I’m sorry (That was the entire entry. Also concerning)

opening a jar
omarosa (as in The Apprentice.)

pilot light out leaking gas (Note to self: seek emergency help for a situation like this in the future instead of just perusing the internet for advice)

seedless clementines
soh ca toa

tweedle dee and tweedle dum
trader joes banana muffins

washing shins (Okay, also for a previous blog post but it looked too funny in my search history to not include it)

What are some of your best previous search entries? Or at least, some that you’re willing to share with the group. I definitely edited my list for your sake - and mine.

META

I had a very “meta” moment the other day. It was one of those moments that really made me think about my self and my purpose in the world. I know, deep stuff. Any time my mind starts going off into the whole “why are we here,” “is there a higher power,” “how many licks does it really take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop,”  mentality, I’m set off into a sullen, retrospective mood. Questions of faith, fate, destiny swirl around my brain. Does everything happen for a reason? Could one tiny, minuscule decision years ago, like choosing a different flavor of ice cream at an ice cream shop, or a different color trapper keeper, have changed everything I know about my life and the world today?! SO deep. So what set me off this time?

                           
My baby Portabella mushrooms had gone bad. There was mold on them. Fungus….on fungus.

META, I TELL YOU.

Smokers

                                      

It’s that time of year when people make major self sacrifices for love. I realize we’re over a month past the holidays, and just shy of Valentine’s Day, but neither are the time of year I’m referring to. The temperatures are dropping and precipitation comes in three distinctions: cold and wet, cold and icy, or snow. But the diehards won’t give up, they’ll do whatever it takes, regardless of the weather.  You just can’t beat the loyalty of smokers. I WISH I had passion for anything in my life like smokers do for nicotine. I heard that one time, a car trapped a woman’s Marlboro Lights under a car and she lifted the car with her BARE HANDS, just to free the pack. Adrenaline and love, I tell you.

But you have to hand it to them. Beyond the dedication to their addiction in all weather situations, there’s the actual act of smoking a cigarette. I couldn’t be a smoker out of sheer fear of fire. I can’t light a match, lighter or bunsen burner. The thought of first sparking a flame, then lighting something I hold in my hand on fire, and then placing that smoldering artifact into my mouth, just a few inches from my face, my eyebrows, some poorly chosen side bangs, makes my palms and feet sweat. Which would probably account for why I can’t light a match or lighter… Okay, never mind, I think I figured it out, I’m going to go out back for a smoke.

Crumbs.

                   

Etsy sells this adult bib for those truly plagued by crumbs in their lap. It retails for $8.00, plus $5.00 shipping.

I show no discrimination to crumbs that fall on my person. In my lap? Into my mouth. Down my shirt? Down the gullet. Is that wrong? Then I don’t want to be right.

Photo cred: http://www.etsy.com/listing/113364813/adult-car-bib-crumb-catcher

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Do you wash your shins?

No, these are not my legs in the shower. My legs are FAR hairier at this point in January.

The other night, a bunch of my girlfriends got together for a classy night of wine* and cheese. One lovely lady posed this question to the group: when you shower, do you wash your entire body?

At first, we were all up in arms; what do you mean do we wash our ENTIRE bodies? Of COURSE we wash our entire bodies! I’ve even invested in a special body wash that helps me get rid of all that feminine shame associated with wearing pants, showing my wrists and ankles and supporting contraception. But she delved deeper; do you wash your shins? We’d established that all the primary grime bearing/odorous areas received a thorough cleaning, in addition to hair, face, front/back of body (okay, to our best abilities), and feet. But what about from the knee to the ankle? I bit my tongue, stifling a snarky comment, as I realized I couldn’t recall the last time I actually put thought into cleaning my lower legs.

I am a barbarian. A filthy, grimy barbarian. Slowly the rest of the ladies came out of their own stark realizations that they, too, don’t focus their cleaning energies on those lower extremities. I volunteered my logic: the runoff from the rest of your washing and shampooing is bound to clean up those areas, even if just by the transitive property, right? Or the act of shaving the lower leg, that did a decent amount of exfoliating and cleaning, as one removed the hair, right? My offers were received with skeptical looks. Looks like the whole lot of us were barbarians. At least we were all in it together.



*Okay, so what if every bottle was twist top? Are you the vino Gestapo?

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5 Things I Do Because I Must Secretly Hate Myself

 

1. Look at the before and after shots of Victoria’s Secret models who have had babies. Enough said.

                                  

2. Think the night before Thanksgiving where you reunite with your entire high school at a bar will be anything more than a recipe of 3 parts awkward, 2 heaping tablespoons of phony and a little more than a pinch of bragging about your petty young professional accomplishments in hopes that it will cancel out the time you mispronounced nuclear (“nu-cu-lar”) in your AP World History class.

                      

3. Continue to tune into Grey’s Anatomy. One would think that they’ve killed enough main characters and tugged- nay- forcibly yanked on viewers’ heart strings adequately to allow me to end my misery and break up with the show. Unfortunately, I can’t seem to kick it and I still keep up with the most depressing show on television every week, and not just because of the cool indie soundtrack.

                               

4. Peplum; High-waisted pants; Dolman tops; Red lipstick. Trying on, buying or just generally thinking I could pull off any of the aforementioned.

                        

5. Read the Sunday Times’ Wedding Section. This decision is sadistic in two ways; the first, a more obvious, stereotypical twenty-something Jewish female self-infliction. But then, there’s also the depressing notion that my family has done nothing even remotely worthy of getting a Times announcement even if my dowry was enticing enough to yield holy matrimony. Bride’s mother is Chief of Surgery at Mass General and Groom’s father is God? Well my mother has been a member of Loehmann’s Insider Club Gold since ’94. Boo yah.

Photo creds: Phronk.com, Getty, CTV, Fashionsizzle.com, The Atlantic Wire.